let me tell you a tale — The fever dream
A dream is as interesting and unique as love, isn't it? It has a definition but sometimes it feels undefinable, for there are way too many definitions of it. It feels undefinable, because each person may have their own definition of a dream. The definition of a dream includes the emotions of the owner of that dream —the love for that dream. Sometimes it depends on the form of the dream, which also depends on the owner of that dream.
It's also interesting how a dream can come in different forms —endless, infinite forms. A dream can be your future occupation, your desired house, your target salary, a mindset, wellness, and forgiveness; it can be as close as your diploma or as high as heaven. A dream can be the desiring feelings to achieve or experience something. To be grateful, to be proud —to be in love. Love itself is a form of a dream.
A dream can also come in the form of someone.
One of Mentari's dreams also came in the form of someone. It came in the form of a tall fair-skinned beautiful man named Heksa Samudera Khagi. It came along with the desire to love him, to care about him, to be by his side, and to have him for her own. She loved him so much her dream was to have him. But he was hard to get and difficult to reach loving him turned into a dream. The idea of being able to pull him into her embrace forever turned into a beautiful dream.
Samudera Khagi was the form of her dream.
But nightmare was also a form of a dream, right?
Her dream came along with its own nightmare. The nightmare in which Samudera Khagi was a dream. The nightmare where Samudera Khagi was only a mere dream that couldn't come true. And a dream wasn't supposed to come true easily — it might be wasn't supposed to come true at all, hence the famous like a dream come true. Samudera Khagi felt like a dream that couldn't come true. She could see him but couldn't reach him —she could love him but couldn't have him. And their beautiful moments only lasted for a very short period before they were hit by reality, like a dream indeed. He was once a dream that couldn't come true. He might still.
Although sometimes, he felt as real as the present time.
Mentari might have sounded crazy when she asked to meet Heksa. Even crazier when she hopped into a taxi in a rush past 9 p.m. People who saw her might think there's an emergency for someone to be in a rush at night. Well, it was an emergency for her. It was probably a lifetime chance for her, to finally meet Heksa again, with no barrier around them on top of that. No rules, no agreement, no prohibition lines, and nothing that could restrain them.
When the said man came into view, standing beside his car in front of a 24-hour convenience store, she immediately sighed in relief. She was still a few steps away from him yet she could see his exhausted expression —his gloom. Her intrusive thoughts asked her to run into his arms, but her logic could see clearly how they weren't open. It wasn't the time to listen to her intrusive thoughts. She walked slowly with a pounding heart, processing everything happened in the last hour. She contemplated whether to text him or not, she decided to hit the send button, she let the heart take over the conversation, he suggested a cheat day —whatever that would result in, and they finally stood in front of each other. The past one hour felt unreal.
“Mau kemana?” He opened the passenger door for her as soon as she approached him. She shook her head in refusal.
“Yang deket aja. Ada taman deket sini, bisa jalan kaki.” She answered. “Nanti waktunya habis dijalan kalau jauh-jauh.”
His only response was a soft smile. He took a plastic bag from the car — which was filled with drinks and snacks he brought at the convenience store — and closed the passenger door slowly. Then, to her surprise, he offered a hand. He offered his hand for her to take.
“Apa?” She asked cautiously, didn't want to get her hopes up at first. Although God knew how nervous she was. She knew how nervous she was and how she sensed herself getting flustered.
“Tangan, buat dipegang.” He answered nonchalantly as if he wasn't just causing an earthquake inside her stomach. She was too confused, too flustered to respond. She just stood there looking at the stretched hand. She took a little bit too long to respond it tickled his frustration. He grabbed her hand and locked it in his. “Kayak gini. Nggak ada peraturannya kan?”
“Hah?” She mumbled in confusion, still processing the situation. In contrast with him who was smiling casually.
“Ayo ah, keburu habis waktunya.”
And with that, they walked to the park, hand in hand.
It would be a lie to say she felt nothing. It was already and definitely a lie. The moment their hand touched and clasped together, she felt a wave of butterflies invade her stomach and cause a tingling fluttering sensation here and there. She could hear her heart pounding louder. The sensation felt so real she almost thought she ate an actual butterfly. Yet at the same time, it felt unreal, unbelievable, like a dream.
A minute passed and they reached the park. It was mostly empty, except for a few boys playing basketball. The both of them headed to the quieter side. There were tables and benches for them to sit. He was silent throughout the walk, and so was she. Now that she calmed herself, she opened a conversation.
“What's the meaning of this, Samudera?” She asked in a low voice, scared her voice might come out like a roar in the quiet surroundings. When he turned, she gestured her eyes toward their hands.
“Artinya?” He faced the front again with a wondering expression. “Artinya...aku lagi impulsif. Aku lagi nggak mikir panjang. Aku lagi sedikit ngikutin hati aku?“
He was being impulsive, he was being intrusive, and he let himself follow his heart. For what reason? That's what she wanted to know, and what they were going to talk about. When they reached one of the tables, he threw the same question at her.
“Kalau buat kamu apa artinya, Mentari?” She looked at their hands once again —as if she wasn't looking at it throughout the time. Her lips curved into a subtle smile, and her gaze softened. She rubbed her thumbs on his knuckles.
“Mimpi. Kayak mimpi.” She answered in a whisper.
They sat facing each other. Heksa opened a canned coffee with one hand as she refused to let go of the other. She held it even tighter with both hands.
“Aku susah, Tar, buka bungkusan makanannya.” He protested —not really since he enjoyed the warmth of her hands— after a while. “Aku nggak akan kemana-mana, belum jam dua belas.”
“Cinderella.” She put a little pout as she released his hands. “Nanti pas pergi ninggalin apa?”
“Ninggalin sampah bungkus makanan.” He joked, loosening up the tension between them. He succeeded in inviting laughter, a soft one. For a while, she forgot what they were here for. As minutes passed, the atmosphere turned calm. They enjoyed the night breeze in the quiet place, each sipping a canned coffee for a boost of caffeine. Not wanting to lose too much time doing nothing, Mentari opened her mouth again.
“Jadi kenapa, Samudera?” She folded her hands on the table and leaned closer. “Kenapa tiba-tiba kayak gini?”
He sipped another gulp of coffee before answering.
“Hmm...” He pondered for a few seconds. A weak smile showed up on his face. “Lagi butuh energi.”
Of course he did. She knew pretty well he did. Because she saw it, she saw him. She saw the tiredness he hid behind his smiles and the tears he cried alone.
“Just how hard life's been treating you, Samudera?” She threw a worried look. “I can't imagine how hard it was —enough to make you lower your guard like this.”
“Nggak usah dibayangin, serem.”
“Dan kamu masih ngelewatinnya sendirian?”
“Iya.” This time his smile looked a little bit bitter —tired. “Emang harusnya sendirian.”
The clock was ticking, midnight was coming, but she still didn't get much from him. His answer was the same and it didn't look like he was going to give her more.
“Katanya hari ini nggak ada peraturannya.” She started with a stern voice. “Kok jawabannya itu itu terus?”
He didn't seem surprised at all at her change of tone, as if he knew this was coming. He didn't seem nervous nor flustered at all at the question either. Instead, he smiled softly.
“Sekarang bukan karena nggak mau cerita, tapi emang nggak bisa diceritain semua, Tar.” He took a sip of his coffee again before continuing. “It's a family matter.”
Mentari was stunned for a while, unable to utter a single word. She didn't know how to respond to the newly discovered fact. At the same time, she was slightly annoyed by herself because how could she miss this? She'd been questioning most of the stories he told her but why did it never occur to her, that his family story was fabricated?
“Jadi cerita yang di apartemen waktu itu emang lebih banyak bohongnya ya?” She smiled weakly.
“Hmmm...lebih tepatnya nggak sepenuhnya jujur.“
Suddenly everything became understandable. His mysteriousness, his lowkey personality, and his hidden pages. Suddenly she could understand all the reasons why he couldn't tell her. It was, indeed, more complex than she assumed. And it was, indeed, something she couldn't interfere with
But still, she wished he could tell her. She wished he would at least ask for her shoulders for him to lean on.
“Buat aku sendiri aja rumit, apalagi orang lain.” He continued after a brief silence. “I'd rather tell you stories about the flavors of the sky, the details of SpongBob episodes, the merchandise from a milk tea shop, the menu for my breakfast — I could only tell you that kind of story, Tar.”
“Tapi kamu mengakui semua itu terlalu berat buat kamu, Samudera.”
The atmosphere thickened, the tension rose; they had a battle of stare. One was like a mother scolding her stubborn, selfless kid who hid the fact he was hurt and bruised. The other was the stubborn kid, caught red-handed. He let out a deep sigh and nodded softly.
“Iya, aku sadar semua itu berat. Makannya sekarang bikin akal-akalan cheat day biar bisa kayak gini.” As soon as he ended his sentence, he grabbed her hands and held them tightly but gently. “Aku sadar semuanya berat dan aku belum tentu oke oke aja sendirian. Aku sadar sama perasaan yang nggak sepenuhnya bisa aku kendaliin. I am aware of my feelings and desires for you, to have you and hold you like this, hence the rules. Tapi kayak yang aku bilang juga, aku nggak bisa. Aku nggak bisa ngikutin perasaan aku.“
His decision did not change —she couldn't complain. This time, she couldn't complain even though there were parts she didn't understand. Why couldn't he just let her be? Why couldn't he just let her by his side?
“I'm sorry, Tar.” He rubbed his thumb on the back of her hands while uttering the most sincere apology he could offer. “I'm sorry for making things complicated.”
She thought she'd be angry, she thought she'd be upset, she thought she'd throw a tantrum about how she was treated like a heater — and a backburner. But she couldn't. She couldn't get angry at him, even the slightest. She might be a little frustrated but she couldn't blame him. Mentari Putri Bahari wasn't born to hate. She wasn't born with hatred, or thunder and storm. She didn't know how to hate him even if hundreds of people told her to.
So she did what she was best at, loving.
“Nggak apa-apa, Samudera.” A soft, genuine smile made its way to her face as she looked at their holding hands. “Nggak apa-apa.”
For the rest of their time together, she let him hold her hands as long as he wanted —not that she didn't want it either. She held his hands tighter, giving all of the energy he needed. He told her random stories like he used to. They laughed together like they used to.
Everything felt sureal, like a fever dream. She wanted to enjoy it while it last.
“Samudera, I think we're just met at the wrong situation and circumstances.” Said Mentari the last few minutes before their time was up. “In another situation, with another circumstances, we could be as pretty as a dream.”
And when the clock ticked midnight, he let go of her hands, she pulled hers. They're back to nothing. Like two people waking up from a dream. At least they enjoyed it while it last.
Apparently, Samudera Khagi, too, seemed like a dream that was never meant to come true.