let me tell you a tale – Dari Mentari: The tale from the sea — written by the sun
Once upon a time, there was this young man named Heksa. Heksa Samudera Khagi, or I'd like to refer to as Samudera. As his name said, he was as calm as the sea but also as mysterious. The sea hid mysteries under its tides. Humans have only discovered less than 10% of the ocean. Samudera Khagi seemed to living up to his name. He hid tales behind his smile, I had only discovered a glimpse of it. Nevertheless, let me tell you the tale about it — the tale from the sea.
Samudera Khagi apart from his story was just your ordinary yet intriguing university friend. He lived like a university student would live, with a touch of unhinged mind and silly behavior. He was this tall, skinny, fair-skinned man with a fluffy black hair. His brown eyes were droopy, sometimes they looked sleepy. His thin lips made a perfect line when he smiled, sometimes they looked like a square bracket — but he was the cutest when he giggled. Everyone would agree he had a kindergarten teacher's voice. His voice was my favorite melody. A gentle masculine voice — a soft crisp voice with a hint of feminine tone. Even his movements and gestures were gentle and delicate as silks.
Samudera talked a lot when he had the energy to. Introverted blood cells ran in his veins; he wasn't outgoing but he was still sociable. As a business major, he had to be skilled at social interaction, so he did. He hustled here and there doing part-time jobs and probably built up some social interaction with business people. People would like him with no doubt — whether they liked his personality or were enchanted by his communication skills. He might seem unapproachable sometimes but he was a kind soul. He was a sweet talker and a great storyteller, but he was also a good liar.
He was a good eldest son, a loving brother, and a loyal best friend. He committed himself to his family and friends. People barely caught him busy living his life to the fullest. People barely caught a glimpse of his life. Most knew him as simply Heksa; an acquaintance, a friend, a student. He lived a private life; he kept his family life and matters mainly to himself and you wouldn't catch him slipping. In compensation for his mysterious life, he disclosed a 1001 guide about him freely. His favorite food, his boiled egg preference, his vibrant colored pants collection, his Lego progress, and even the passcode of his apartment unit. Things about him I got to know easily in return for his personal matters I didn't dig. Although, I caught a glimpse of it.
Long short story the world was small and some people knew each other. Sometimes the world was just too small for you to do things secretly. Sometimes the universe just loves to intervene.
At first, it was this subtle hunch about Samudera being the typical saddest clown character. One word that must be included when describing him was joy. He wasn't a cheerful happy virus guy, but he was never a blue person. I started to wonder if he was full of joy or if he hid that sadness. Then the hunch turned into the savior complex urge to discover something about him — and save him. He was the storm and I had to be the sunlight. Although, he managed to twist his way out of my suspicion, using stories he made me believe were the only truth.
For a second I believed so. I believed there was nothing to worry about him. The only thing — or two — to be worried about were his charms and my feelings.
Another long short story, I fell in love. It wasn't because of the savior complex. It wasn't because I believed I could be his sunlight. I just fell. Funny enough all these hunches, assumptions, suspicion — and confrontation — only to fall in love with him on a random day in November. All these series of events and I fell in love because I was swayed by his charms. Falling in love with him wasn't an easy journey, but summoning love itself was easy.
I mean how couldn't I? How couldn't I not fall for him? How couldn't I fall for his smile, his laugh, his jokes, his kindness, and the way he treated me? How couldn't I not fall for Samudera Khagi — and everything about him? However, he couldn't feel the same. He couldn't fall in love.
Samudera Khagi wasn't meant to fall in love.
It took me a love rejection — more than one, I think — to finally understand that there was more than a story behind him. He wasn't hiding sadness behind his smile but more complicated than that. He said he had a lot on his plate; believe it was more than a lot and it wasn't just a normal plate. He wasn't for those who love him. He was for the burden and responsibilities he entitled himself to. My assumption was right but it was more complicated than that.
It took us endless push-pull cycles for him to finally uncover himself, page by page. The truth was, he was tangled in a complicated string I could never fully understand. It wasn't only about himself but also his family and friends — which added more reason why I didn't have the must to know. All this time he was busy taking care of everyone around him, the ones he cared for. He made sure of their well-being even their happiness. Everyone had their own problems and struggles — within and among themselves. They were on the verge of crumbling down, he made sure everyone stayed under his roof. He neglected his own desire to focus on everyone else. He swallowed everything alone.
It took him several breakdowns to finally show himself to me. He showed his vulnerable side to me. A sight I wished I never had to see. He was exhausted, he was lifeless, he was suffering from the heavy burdens that were way too heavy for his skinny body. He showed his weak side but all I saw was a young man being too hard on himself. Nobody asked him to do everything. He wasn't obligated to take care of everything, it wasn't solely his responsibility — but he did anyway. He was being too hard on himself he didn't allow himself to be happy — and to be in love.
Still, human was driven by desire. There was a time when he did follow his desire. He allowed himself to taste selfishness by following his heart — which led him to us. The most popular phrase that came out of his mouth was 'not yet'. He couldn't fall in love yet, he couldn't love me yet. But there was a time when he allowed himself to. Believe me, it was beautiful. I got a taste of his love and it was beautiful. I got to see his endless smile, I got to hear his sweet voice late at nigh, I could hold his hand, I could pull him into my embrace. I got to feel how warm his hug was — and how sweet his kiss was.
That was all I ever got.
At the end of the day, still, he couldn't choose me. He couldn't choose between his life or everyone he cared for because there wasn't any choice in the beginning. There would never be a choice because he had a predetermined heart. His choice would always be his family — and everyone he considered as one. He was too hard on himself he chose to let us go because he believed he wasn't supposed to chase his own desire. He shouldn't follow his heart — and me.
At the end of the day, he left. He left to take care of what needed to be taken care of. He left, hopefully, to heal himself and to come back in a happier version of him.
Finally, that's how our story ended.
Our story wasn't as pretty as I imagined it. I said I'd write him as someone I love and I'd write myself as someone who loves him. But little did I know loving someone isn't always pretty. Little did I know that our story not only includes the warmth and beauty of love but also the pain of losing and waiting. Blank pages, smudged words, and scrapped papers were all hidden beneath the so-called tale. Our story has its own chaotic pages and that's part of loving him. And little did I know I wasn't a saint, I wasn't an angel. I was a mere human unable to control my feelings, inevitable to feelings, and I had my selfish part too where I chose feelings over logic.
I want to apologize for that. For not being able to write him beautifully, for not being able to write us beautifully. I'm sorry I can't feign ignorance to the scars, to the flaws, to the imperfectness of our story as well as every tragic part of it. Because I came to the conclusion that the art of loving him was to acknowledge its beauty and its beast.
Nevertheless, here I present to you the tale of us. The tale of Samudera Khagi and the woman who loves him truly, Mentari.