let me tell you a tale — Dari Mentari Bahari: I broke the rules first
Do you know anything about the rules of love? Everyone might have their own rules for love. Some others might follow the majority, the stereotypes, and the norm. But do you want to hear the truth? The only rule of love is: don’t make any rules. Don't make a rule in a heart game. Don't make a rule for uncontrollable things.
The moment you made the rule, you also unconsciously committed yourself to breaking the rules. The moment you agreed to the rules, you also unconsciously committed yourself to the temptation of breaking the rules.
I've been told by many people that I was quite stubborn and persistent. I was the type to follow heart over logic because I believed feelings exist for us to feel them. It was okay to be emotional because humans were supposed to feel emotions anyway. I ignored the fact that we were given logic to protect the heart. Well, at least at some point I was conscious about it. There was a point where I relied more on my logic and chose to keep the heart safe, by suppressing it.
I made rules in my relationship with Samudera Khagi. The rules that held us back restrained us; it consisted of a reminder for us to not fall in love with each other — when we already did. The rules were made to control the uncontrollable, which was a human's heart. The rules restrained the emotions that already wandered, keeping them behind bars, behind walls, behind lines, or anything. The rules created a line between us. I decided to draw a clear line between us because I couldn’t handle it if our relationship stayed in the gray. I was greedy for a moment and I wanted more than just loving. I wanted to be loved. I wanted it to be fair, if he couldn't love me then he couldn't be loved by me.
To my disappointment, Samudera did quite well in following the rules. I did well in keeping the rules. The rules that I thought would vanish as soon as they're made, survived longer than I expected. Both me and Samudera knew how hard it was for us to hold ourselves back but somehow we made it this far. The difference was I endured everything because I didn't want us to come to an end; he endured everything because he didn't want to start something between us.
Truthfully, I made those rules so I wouldn't lose him — I didn't want to lose him yet. The only ending that I saw that night was losing him but I didn't want to. I was so close to losing him and the rules were made to keep him from going further. They were made to keep a relationship between us, to keep something between us. I made the rules to suspend my defeat, my loss. I made them to suspend the story.
And the rules were always meant for myself.
Samudera had a higher chance of breaking the rules. Well, he technically did break the rules, except he eluded his crime under the cheat day concept. But the thing was, he knew when to stop. He could cross the line but he had good self-control he could stop immediately. I could never. So, I decided to draw a clear line for myself, to remind me that if Samudera didn’t take a step forward, then I shouldn’t either. To remind me that unless he’s ready for love, I shouldn’t love him this much. To remind me, if we weren’t strict with ourselves — if I weren't strict with myself — we would end up in a very complicated situation. So I stopped myself from crossing the line. I stopped myself from stepping further into the dangerous game, and into his life. I wasn't sure about what would I get from successfully abiding the rule, but at least I knew what I wouldn't get. So I told myself to stay strong, to resist and hold myself back.
But the moment I told myself to stay unwaver, I was already wavering.
I was the one saying all the things about keeping our relationship as friendly as possible. I was the one who acted tough and said the “crossing the line” thing. I was the one who braved myself enough to decide that it was better for the both of us to stay behind the line. But honestly, deep down, I knew I was being too confident with myself. I was arrogant to think I would be able to contain myself. Because the truth was, as expected, I only fell deeper and deeper.
I could hold myself from chasing him but I couldn't prevent my heart from feeling more. I could stop myself from crossing the line but I wasn't sure how many lines was there to draw. I wasn't even sure which lines, or what kind of lines we were talking about. Apparently, Zoya was right, there was never a clear line between us. Me and Samudera were already in a complicated situation to begin with and the lines were always blurry.
Therefore, when he put his head on my shoulder, I embraced him. I embraced him like I’ve always wanted to. Screw the rules because, at that very moment, I knew I was never going to be able to resist him, and I never would. I knew that I would always give in completely, even when I sounded like a pathetic girl waiting for a happy ending for her one-sided love. I knew I would never be able to stop loving him, even if he couldn’t let me into his life till the very end. Samudera Khagi could leave me completely in the dark with zero explanation, and I would still love him. He could leave me, literally, and I would still wait for him with my unwavering emotions.
I will wait until he is ready to be loved by me and to love me.